Omar Marmoush's Tottenham Move and the Media's Champions League Nightmares

Omar Marmoush hasn’t even kicked a ball for Tottenham and, apparently, he’s already in crisis. The “immediate Tottenham blow” is here. The kind of “blow” Carlos Baleba somehow endured before, against all odds, managing to sign for Manchester United.

It’s nonsense. All of it.

Champions League “nightmares” for everyone

The word of the week is “nightmare”.

“Arsenal’s Champions League draw in full as Gunners handed nightmare fixtures,” screams the Daily Express website.

“Man City handed nightmare Champions League draw with Arsenal also given tricky fixtures as Man United face old foes on return to competition – and Jose’s back at the Bridge!” adds MailOnline.

“Champions League group phase predicted by supercomputer with Man Utd having a nightmare after horror draw,” warns The Sun.

The horror? That everyone in the Champions League now has to play other very good football teams. Terrifying development, that.

United’s “horror” that isn’t

That Manchester United “nightmare after horror draw” is worth a closer look.

“Manchester United have been tipped to agonisingly miss out on the top eight of the Champions League league phase,” we’re told. The “boffins and brainiacs” at Football Ranked have run their model and decided Michael Carrick’s side will finish ninth.

So United, in this supposed doomsday scenario, would be the highest-ranked seeded team in the knockout play-off, facing the lowest-ranked unseeded side. A disaster so mild it barely qualifies as an inconvenience.

You almost feel sorry for the word “horror” at this point.

Liverpool, United and the myth of stealth

Jeremy Cross in the Daily Mirror makes a fair broad point: Liverpool, once the model of smart recruitment compared to Manchester United, have drifted closer to the same chaotic bracket.

But then comes the romanticised history.

“In that same period, Liverpool conducted their own business with ruthless stealth. Big targets were kept under the radar, until a deal was so close to being completed it would be made public.

This happened with the likes of Virgil Van Dijk, Alexis Mac Allister, Alisson and Luis Diaz, to name but a few.”

Ruthless stealth? Under the radar? Liverpool literally had to issue a public apology over their pursuit of Virgil Van Dijk after Southampton reported them to the Premier League for an illegal approach. That was not a covert operation. That was a botched stakeout with the police already at the scene.

The Barcola “desperation” that isn’t

Then there’s this leap:

“Negotiations are taking place with PSG about a deal for Bradley Barcola, with a deal likely to come close to the fee paid to Newcastle for Isak.

“Under normal circumstances, such a move would leave supporters feeling overwhelmed excitement.

The problem is, Liverpool have turned to Barcola in desperation less than a week before the transfer window closes, having pulled out of the bidding for Brighton’s Yankuba Minteh.”

Liverpool have not “turned to Barcola in desperation less than a week before the transfer window closes”. They have been trying to sign him all summer. That’s what happens when you attempt to prise away a £120m player from a club that doesn’t have to sell. It takes time. It’s called negotiation, not panic.

Cross should know how messy these sagas get; he tied himself in knots trying to keep up with Elliot Anderson’s move.

Shirt numbers: bizarre, dreamlike, and everything in between

The next frontier in drama? Shirt numbers.

“Bradley Barcola set to wear bizarre unused shirt number at Liverpool,” claims The Sun website.

“Bradley Barcola can wear dream shirt number at Liverpool after PSG transfer agreement reached,” counters the Liverpool Echo.

One man’s “bizarre” is the same man’s “dream”. The number on the back apparently now needs its own narrative arc.

Marmoush and the great No 7 tragedy

Which brings us back to Omar Marmoush and his supposed “immediate Tottenham blow” after Manchester City’s £60m transfer breakthrough.

Long-time readers will recognise the Daily Express website’s formula. It’s the same melodramatic framing used for Carlos Baleba’s move to Manchester United. The “blow” is rarely an injury, a collapsed deal or a tactical snub. It’s almost always admin.

And so it proves.

“Moving to Tottenham will give Marmoush the opportunity to play more regularly, having only made eight Premier League starts for City last season. However, he won’t have everything his own way when he arrives in the capital.

“That’s because he will need to pick a different shirt number, with his preferred No 7 already occupied by Xavi Simons.”

This is the nightmare. Not game time. Not position. Not system. The number 7 shirt.

The logical response, of course, is to demand a clause in the contract allowing him to sprint back to Manchester City, where he may never play but can at least cling to the comfort of his favourite digit.

Ronaldo, United and a very different problem

Samuel Luckhurst is right on one key point: Manchester United’s inability to sell a single first-team player this summer is a glaring weakness. The club lags behind almost every elite side when it comes to moving players on.

But the way he tries to close the argument jars.

“Even one of the greatest, Cristiano Ronaldo, was burnt by his association with United.

“When Ronaldo effectively filed for divorce with his November 2022 interview with the sycophantic Piers Morgan, Morgan said: ‘If it was just about money, you’d be in Saudi Arabia.’

“Saudi was the only place to offer Ronaldo a home. Even he did not have shoppers flocking to United’s stall.”

Ronaldo did not lack buyers because United’s “stall” looked unappealing. He lacked buyers because by that stage he was a 37-year-old, wildly expensive, deeply self-centred forward who had just torched his relationship with the club on television. The wages were astronomical, the baggage heavier still.

Of course there was no queue. That failure says plenty about Ronaldo. It says far less about why United cannot now shift Joshua Zirkzee.

If everything’s a nightmare, a horror show, a blow or a crisis, what language is left when something genuinely goes wrong?